Memories of Love
by hester4418
Summary: After Odan's departure, Beverly Crusher has to come to terms with the loss of her love while Will Riker struggles with the ambassador's memories. (not R/C, but they do get to cuddle a bit ;-))


DISCLAIMER: _Star Trek: The Next Generation _and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures; no infringement of copyright is intended. The story however belongs to me.

Written October 2012-January 2013. Many thanks to ghosteye99 for doing a thorough beta reading! Any remaining mistakes are my own.

******Memories of Love**  
**by Hester (hester4418)**

Deanna Troi'd had a busy week. Apart from her usual duties as ship's counselor, she'd devoted most of her spare time to worrying about her two closest friends. Of course it would have been much easier if those two had followed her suggestion of all three of them meeting together. But both had stubbornly refused, which left Deanna moving back and forth, and feeling as if she kept bouncing from one brick wall to the other.

She had spent a lot of time both on and off duty tending to Will Riker, who was still subject to occasional memory flashes from Odan − even though it had been almost ten days since the Trill symbiont had been removed from his body. His physical recovery from the experience had not taken long, but the emotional upheaval had left him irritable and uncertain.

Deanna had tried to talk with him about the things he remembered from the ambassador's past 'lives', and also about the ethical questions that everyone had wondered about ever since the symbiotic nature of the Trill race had become public knowledge.

However, Will was not all that willing to share the details he remembered from Odan's many lifetimes. The symbiont's memories felt real, but they were not − at least, not for him. Instead of dwelling on them, he much rather wanted to forget them, especially since separating them from his own true recollections was not always easy.

Just the day before, though, he had finally, reluctantly revealed to Deanna what bothered him most of all − Odan's memories of Beverly Crusher.

_"Deanna, she's my friend. _Just_ my friend. I can honestly say that I've never had any fantasies about Beverly. Well," he amended with a weary sigh, "‒ at least not any serious ones. And suddenly, whenever I close my eyes now, I dream about her in quite explicit ways. It's not right! Those dreams are not mine, but I can't shut them off."_

_"You need to accept them for what they are." At his questioning glance, Deanna elaborated. "These memories are a part of you now, whether you like it or not. Some of them will fade over time, but some will stay with you for the rest of your life. If you don't accept that, you will never be able to put the events with Odan behind you."_

_Will regarded her bitterly. "How can I? How can I ever look Beverly in the eye again?"_

_"Talk to her," Deanna insisted, but Will shook his head._

_"She's still mourning him. I don't think she would want to see me."_

_"Maybe she would."_

_"I can't." His tone indicated that the matter was closed. "Not yet, anyway."_

Knowing that she would not be able to convince him against his will, Deanna had left it at that, even though she was certain that he was wrong.

Now Deanna was on her way to check up on the other half of the unfortunate couple; namely, Beverly Crusher.

Beverly was hurting. It was obvious to everyone, and several people had tried talking to her; but she always excused herself quickly and hid in her office. Even Picard had had no more luck than anyone else. To her staff, it seemed like she hardly took time off anymore; she could be found around sickbay at any time, day or night.

It had been a week since the 'new Odan', a female Trill by the previous name of Kareel, had left the _Enterprise_. Deanna had spoken with Beverly several times during that week, but the doctor had always been quick to steer the conversation toward the details of Will's recovery. The half-Betazoid knew that her friend was doing her utmost to hide her own emotional turmoil; in fact she outright refused to talk about it. It was that avoidance which had Deanna all the more worried, and which prompted her to check up on Beverly at least once a day.

As soon as Deanna entered sickbay, Alyssa Ogawa smiled at her with relief, and inclined her head toward the CMO's office before turning back to her current patient. The nurse had been watching the chief medical officer all day. Dr. Crusher had appeared even more exhausted than usual, and she'd noticed that there were dark circles under her eyes.

The office door was closed, but it opened on Deanna's approach, and the counselor quickly stepped through.

Beverly was slumped in her seat, almost ready to collapse from exhaustion. She had wanted to finish just one more report before returning to her quarters. Lately, she found that a dreamless sleep only came when she pushed herself almost to her breaking point, but even then she could rarely sleep for more than two hours at a time. She was so tired that she didn't even notice Deanna entering her office.

The counselor leaned against the wall. "You should be in bed," she said quietly, trying not to startle her friend.

Beverly's head snapped up, defense written all over her face. "I need to finish something."

"I'm sure it could wait until morning."

"I'd rather get it done today."

Knowing that she could not win this argument, Deanna decided to change tactics. So far she had been patient, but now it was time to state the obvious. She sank down in a seat in front of the desk. "Beverly, you and Will need to talk."

"He doesn't seem to think so." At least Beverly wasn't avoiding the issue, even if her reaction was anything but favorable.

"Only because he's uncertain about facing you."

"Will Riker, uncertain about facing a woman?" Beverly snorted. "I find that hard to believe."

"He's been hurt, just like you. And after what happened between the two of you −"

"As I recall, you encouraged it." The doctor's tone was accusatory, even though she knew that Deanna had only tried to help her, just as she was trying now.

Deanna looked down. "I know. In hindsight, I probably should have told you differently."

Beverly stared at her. "Why?"

"Because then you would have had to mourn Odan only once."

"He's not dead."

"Technically, no. The symbiont that is Odan is still alive. But the Odan that you knew, the merged life form that you first fell in love with − he won't be back."

Tears were gathering in Beverly's eyes, but she swallowed hard to force them back down. "That was just a host. The personality was the symbiont's."

"I don't think it's that easy." Deanna reached out and placed a hand on Beverly's arm. It was obvious that the doctor was in no condition to carry on a rational discussion about the philosophical and psychological implications behind the joined nature of the Trill species. So with a small, sad smile she added, "Get some rest. Please."

"I'll try," Beverly acquiesced, but her eyes plainly said that she didn't believe she really could.

-==/\==-

When Beverly got back to her quarters, she collapsed on her bed, still fully clothed, and fell asleep at once. But an hour later she was awake once more, and still feeling restless and drained. A cup of tea did not help, so in the end she ventured out into the corridor again, with a vague notion of maybe checking up on some patient records in sickbay.

Half an hour later she was still wandering aimlessly, not really caring where she went. But when she at last found herself at Will Riker's door, she suddenly knew that this was where she had wanted to come all along. Only she had been afraid. Afraid of how he was holding up, afraid of making it more difficult for him to cope with what had happened. And, most of all, afraid of what her reaction to him would be.

Hesitating only briefly, she rang the chime. When Will answered the door, looking rather worse for wear himself, tears unexpectedly sprang to Beverly's eyes.

"I... I'm sorry," she stammered, embarrassed. "I shouldn't have come." She turned to flee, but Will grasped her arm and pulled her inside his quarters, making certain that the door closed behind her.

"Beverly..." His voice broke on her name, and with sudden clarity she saw her own hurt and need reflected in his eyes. He pulled her against him and she did not resist, finally giving in to her tears.

They clung to each other for long minutes, with Will's strong hands shakily stroking her back while Beverly cried out all her pent-up grief. When she at last stopped trembling and just remained in his embrace, gulping for air, he slowly led her over to his couch. They huddled down still closely wrapped in each other's arms. Neither had spoken another word, but there was an intimate familiarity to their touch, born of a previous encounter which now served to haunt them.

Beverly deeply inhaled Will's scent, her head swimming with the memories and sensations it evoked. She felt his heart beat rapidly beside her, and wondered whether his recollections were as intense as her own. And she realized that, for better or for worse, she had to know.

"How much do you remember?" she asked quietly, purposely not looking at him while she wiped away the last of her tears.

He didn't need to ask what she meant. Even though he had not been in control of his body at the time, he was painfully aware of the passionate night the doctor had shared with her Trill lover. "Almost everything," he admitted, feeling his cheeks warming. "There are a few gaps, but..."

"It's okay," she assured him, finally looking up; a half-smile on her face. "I got quite an eyeful myself."

"I know. I was there." Will ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "No, that's not what I meant. I'm sorry; it's hard to explain..."

"It's okay," Beverly repeated, catching his hand and squeezing it. "Actually I should be the one to apologize. If I hadn't come to your... to _Odan's_ quarters that night –"

Will shook his head. "Don't be sorry. He needed you. If you hadn't appeared when you did, he would have called you, and the outcome would most likely have been the same." His eyes locked with hers. "He loved you, Beverly. Very, very much."

She felt tears rising to her eyes again. "And I loved him. I still do, and I miss him so much..." A few drops spilled over her cheeks and Will gently wiped them away. Beverly took a deep breath. "But we should not have used you the way we did."

Will shrugged, his gaze moving away from hers. "To him, I was just a host. An expendable body which he didn't expect to last long anyway. It could have been anyone."

"You're not just anyone to me," she whispered. "I should have known better than to take advantage of the situation."

"I can handle it," he assured her, but he still could not meet her eyes.

"Then why are you avoiding me?"

That got his attention. His eyes snapped back to hers as he was about to deny the truth in her statement, but then found he could not. His internal struggle lasted only briefly.

"Because I still dream about you," he confessed hoarsely. "But those dreams are not mine. They are _his_, but I can't stop them." Will's arms dropped away from Beverly's body in an effort to put some distance between them. Only a minute earlier their close embrace had been natural, two friends comforting each other. Now he felt like he was violating her.

To his surprise, Beverly refused to let him go. Instead she leaned into him again, closing the gap he had tried to create. A faraway look came over her face.

"I dream about Odan as well," she replied, sounding wistful. "Most of the time he looks like he did when we first met. Once or twice he looked like Kareel. And sometimes, he looks like you. And whenever I kiss you in those dreams, I feel that it's wrong."

She looked up, searching his eyes again. "He used us both, Will. And although I still love him, I know that he didn't think twice about what his changing bodies would mean to me, to us. That thoughtlessness was the main reason why I could not continue the relationship, even if it broke my heart."

The moment she said those words, she could feel herself beginning to heal. After Odan and Kareel had been joined, she had felt betrayed, but she only now understood why.

Will was silent, processing her words.

Beverly raised her hand to cup his cheek, softly stroking his beard. "But I cannot lose you, too. I refuse to let those dreams and memories define _our_ friendship. You mean too much to me for that."

She leaned forward, touching her lips to his in a gentle kiss. There was nothing sexual about the gesture, only an affirmation of the profound bond of trust they had forged over years of friendship.

Will's eyes closed when Beverly withdrew. She leaned her head against his shoulder, and he tightened his hold on her. A heavy sigh passed his lips as he felt his anxiety lift, and he was finally freed of the burden of Odan's legacy.

They remained like that for a long time. The past week had drained them both, but now they felt secure in the knowledge that they would be able to put all that had happened behind them, and move forward. They would still be friends, closer than before, but not more than that.

And that was exactly what both of them needed.

Beverly was about to doze off when the door chime sounded. Will stirred beside her; apparently he was close to falling asleep as well. They shared a smile as they moved apart, and Beverly attempted to smooth down her wrinkled lab coat.

"Who is it?" He called out.

"Will, it's me."

His face brightened. "Deanna, come on in."

The door slid aside to admit Deanna Troi. Her eyes widened in surprise as she took in the scene before her, and she did a mental double take when a gentle wave of emotions swept over her. Gone were the feelings of despair she had sensed from both Will and Beverly earlier, when she had seen them separately. Instead, there was peace, and acceptance, and a quiet understanding that needed no further discussion.

Any other observer would have assumed that he had just caught the doctor and the first officer in the act. But Deanna knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that that was not the case. She had no idea what exactly had transpired between them, but it was obvious to her that they had conquered their demons.

"I should be going." Beverly rose from the couch and then turned to Will who had also got up. "Thank you." She hugged him once more, and he squeezed her in return.

"Sleep well."

"You, too." She smiled, hopeful that they would both be able to get a good night's rest. When she moved past Deanna, she briefly touched the counselor's arm. "I'll see you tomorrow, Deanna."

"Yes." Deanna resisted the urge to stop her. She didn't need all the details, yet she was still curious to know what had brought about the sudden change in her two friends. But there would be plenty of time to find out.

Once the doctor had left, Deanna followed Will's invitation to join him on the couch. She settled into the space Beverly had just vacated, close by his side.

He reached out and took her hand. "You were right," he admitted.

Deanna smiled. "I know." She clasped his hand between both of hers. "_Now _will you tell me if there are any other memories that are bothering you?"

Will thought for a moment. Then he sat back and relaxed against the sofa cushions. "If you promise not to tell anyone."

Deanna leaned closer. "Of course I won't."

He smiled; the first real smile she had seen from him in over a week. "All right then. There was this one time, about sixty years ago on Risa..."

-==/ The End \==-


End file.
